"Comparing Yourself to Others Is Normal." Interview with Psychologist Varya Makhnovskaya

Contents:

• “Self-esteem is a stable construct. It's not a mood"
• Social comparison: does it help or destroy?
• "Admiration lies at the core of envy"

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Varya Makhnovskaya is a practicing psychologist specializing in cognitive behavioral approaches. She runs a private practice and runs a support group for doctors and psychologists facing burnout. Varya also speaks on the "Healthy Self-Esteem" course, teaching participants how to gain confidence, accept themselves, and develop self-love. Her experience and knowledge help people cope with psychological difficulties and improve their quality of life.

Varya shared her experience, discussing the importance of finding a balance between work and personal life. In today's fast-paced world, many people face difficulties with time management. Varya noted that proper planning and prioritization help manage workloads and avoid stress. She also emphasized the importance of rest and hobbies, which help restore energy and inspiration. It is important to remember that self-care is not a luxury, but a necessity for achieving harmony in life.

• Why does one person have low self-esteem, while another has high self-esteem;
• In what situations is social comparison useful and in what situations is it not;
• How to correctly compare yourself with others;
• Can envy be used for good;
• How to help yourself with self-esteem problems (using case studies!).

A quick reference is concise information that allows you to quickly familiarize yourself with the main aspects of a topic. This may include key facts, important dates, basic terms, and definitions that help better understand the subject of discussion. A quick reference is useful for both beginners and those looking for a quick refresher. It can serve as a basis for a more in-depth study of a topic and be useful for educational and professional purposes. Knowing basic facts and concepts allows you to effectively navigate the material and make informed decisions.

Varya Makhnovskaya is an experienced psychologist working in the field of cognitive behavioral therapy. She runs a private practice and organizes a support group for professionals, such as doctors and psychologists, who are facing issues of emotional burnout. Varya is also a speaker on the "Healthy Self-Esteem" course, where she teaches participants the skills of confidence, self-acceptance, and developing self-love. Her approaches are helpful not only in the professional sphere but also in your personal life, promoting harmony and inner peace.

"Self-esteem is a stable construct. It is not a mood."

Self-esteem is an important psychological concept that reflects how a person perceives and evaluates themselves. We often talk about low self-esteem, associating it with our failures, and high self-esteem is seen as a sign of pride. However, in psychology, self-esteem has a deeper meaning. It is formed based on personal experiences, interactions with others, and social norms, and influences many aspects of our lives, including relationships, careers, and overall psycho-emotional state. Understanding the true nature of self-esteem can help us better cope with challenges and achieve our goals. Self-esteem is a subjective perception of our worth. It reflects how we evaluate our personal qualities and professional skills. Healthy self-esteem encourages the desire to achieve goals that match our capabilities and potential. Adequate self-esteem also helps us develop self-confidence and make informed decisions in various areas of life. Either inflated or deflated self-esteem can negatively impact a person's life. High self-esteem often leads to an inadequate assessment of one's own capabilities and the risk of overestimating one's abilities, which can cause conflicts in communication and difficulties at work. People with inflated self-esteem may ignore constructive criticism, which hinders their development and learning.

On the other hand, low self-esteem can lead to feelings of insecurity and fear of new challenges. This can limit a person's opportunities, preventing them from achieving their goals and developing in their personal and professional lives. People with low self-esteem tend to doubt their abilities and avoid risks, which can also hinder success and happiness.

Therefore, it is important to strive for adequate self-esteem, which will allow you to objectively assess your strengths and weaknesses, as well as accept constructive criticism and use it for personal growth.

Life inevitably confronts people with inflated self-esteem with harsh realities. At such moments, they realize that they were wrong in assessing their capabilities, which can lead to deep disappointment and emotional pain. On the other hand, low self-esteem also has its consequences. Constantly underestimating one's own abilities can lead to missed opportunities, including exciting, high-paying projects that pass them by. Maintaining a balanced self-esteem is essential to successfully navigate life's challenges and achieve one's goals. People with low self-esteem often struggle with career choices. They may think, "I don't have the necessary skills and can't handle the responsibility," leading them to accept even the most unfavorable offers. Despite the fact that the job is unfulfilling, they may remain there, convincing themselves, "This is all I deserve." Thus, they continue to make choices that worsen their situation and sense of self. It's important to recognize that low self-esteem can negatively impact career decisions and personal happiness. To improve the situation, it's necessary to work on self-esteem and pursue more appropriate opportunities that align with one's true abilities and desires. High self-esteem can be beneficial when it aligns with a person's actual achievements, such as when they truly possess exceptional abilities. However, this isn't as simple as it seems. The problem arises when self-esteem doesn't match reality, and a person believes themselves to be more capable than they actually are. In such cases, this can lead to various negative consequences, including insecurity, confusion, and even social difficulties. It's important to recognize the difference between true abilities and inflated self-esteem to achieve harmony and personal growth.

High or low self-esteem can depend on many factors, including personal experience, environment, upbringing, and psychological characteristics. For example, positive or negative feedback from parents, friends, and teachers can significantly affect the formation of self-esteem. Furthermore, social comparisons and cultural norms also play a significant role. People who grow up in a supportive environment are more likely to develop high self-esteem, while those who experience criticism and negativity may struggle with self-acceptance. It's important to understand that self-esteem can change throughout life and can be improved through positive changes in thinking and behavior. Internal beliefs formed during childhood and adolescence play a key role in shaping self-esteem. People with healthy self-esteem are able to balance negative and positive beliefs about themselves. At the same time, those with high or low self-esteem tend to be significantly biased toward one side or the other, which can negatively impact their lives and relationships. Understanding and working on your beliefs are important steps toward healthy self-esteem. While it can be difficult to eliminate all unwanted beliefs, we can reduce their influence and restore inner balance. By reflecting on our beliefs and understanding their nature, we gain the opportunity to weaken their impact on our lives. This is the path to harmony and peace of mind that is available to everyone.

Please note the following materials:

Psychologist Elena Lavrova explores the tricks of self-esteem, as well as the possibilities of developing new talents. She emphasizes the importance of understanding the multi-voice nature of the inner critic, which can significantly influence our perception of ourselves and our abilities. By exploring these aspects, Elena helps clients overcome barriers associated with low self-esteem and discover new horizons for personal growth. Understanding your internal conflicts and critical voices is key to developing confidence and unlocking your potential. People often don't realize that their self-esteem can be either too high or too low. This can be due to various factors, such as personal experiences, the influence of others, or social conditions. High self-esteem can lead to overconfidence and ignoring criticism, while low self-esteem can lead to doubts about one's abilities and hinder goal achievement. Understanding and adjusting your self-esteem is an important step toward personal development and improving your quality of life. Understanding one's strengths and weaknesses helps people find balance and build healthy relationships with others.

The problem of distorted perception is common in our lives. We rarely recognize our internal distortions because our beliefs form the filter through which we perceive the world around us. For example, a person confident in their exceptionalism may find themselves in a situation where their ordinariness becomes obvious. Instead of accepting this, they continue to believe in their uniqueness, thinking, "They're all stupid, and I'm the smartest." Thus, beliefs distort our perception and prevent us from objectively assessing reality. Understanding this problem can help develop critical thinking and improve our perception of ourselves and others.

The following happens with low self-esteem: you can always find confirmation of your inadequacy. Consider the example of one of my clients: "I'm bad at my job, and I'll probably get fired. It's better to quit myself to avoid shame." During the analysis, it turns out that this conclusion is unfounded. Management was satisfied with her performance and even offered her a promotion, but she, believing herself incompetent, declined the opportunity. She focused on a minor mistake, ignoring positive feedback about her performance.

This clearly demonstrates how low self-esteem can distort one's perception of reality and hinder personal and professional development. To avoid such situations, it is important to develop self-confidence and adequately evaluate one's achievements.

To abstract from beliefs and look at reality objectively, it is important to use several methods. First, you should be aware of your biases and limiting beliefs. This can be done through introspection and reflection. Try to consider your point of view from different angles, asking yourself why you think the way you do and where your beliefs come from.

Critical thinking is a useful tool. It helps you evaluate information based on facts and logic, rather than emotions or stereotypes. Reading literature, exploring different points of view, and communicating with people with opposing opinions can also broaden your horizons.

Practicing meditation and mindfulness will help you focus on the present moment and reduce the influence of negative thoughts. It is important to develop active listening skills to better understand the opinions of others and find common ground. This will allow you to better perceive reality without the distortions associated with personal beliefs. An objective view of reality requires constant learning and a willingness to reconsider your views.

Pay attention to important moments of rationality that may reach you. This may be advice from loved ones or colleagues. For example, in the case of the girl, her boss noted: "You value yourself too low." When you begin to notice such signals, the question may arise in your head: "Maybe I really am too hard on myself?" It is important to listen to this inner voice, follow it, and start working on yourself.

Self-esteem is highly dynamic and can change depending on various factors. You can significantly improve your self-esteem in just a few months if you actively work on it. This can include self-reflection practices, positive affirmations, as well as skill development and personal goal achievement. It's important to understand that changing your self-esteem takes time and patience, but with focused effort, you can achieve significant results. Self-esteem is a stable psychological construct. It doesn't fluctuate rapidly, like mood, which can fluctuate from day to day. The rate of change in self-esteem depends on various factors. According to the biopsychosocial model, self-esteem is influenced by a combination of biological factors such as temperament and genetics, psychological factors including beliefs and behavior, and social conditions such as upbringing, cultural norms, and media influences. Understanding these connections can help you work on yourself and improve your self-esteem.

Some people are able to easily find motivation and maintain high self-esteem thanks to a stable nervous system and positive family experiences where their successes were encouraged. Meanwhile, others may not even recognize their self-esteem issues because they are emotionally unstable and were raised with critical parents who scolded them for every mistake. Recognizing the problem is an important step toward improving the situation and achieving desired results.

Social comparison: does it help or destroy?

Comparing yourself to other people in various aspects of life, such as personal relationships, career, and appearance, occurs on a subconscious level. This phenomenon can have a significant impact on our self-esteem. When we compare ourselves to others, we often begin to feel inadequate or insufficient. This can lead to decreased self-confidence and internal discomfort. It's important to remember that each person is unique and has their own journey. Instead of constantly judging yourself by others' standards, focus on your own achievements and goals. This will help boost your self-esteem and create a more positive self-image. Ultimately, the key to healthy self-esteem lies in accepting yourself and your unique characteristics, rather than comparing yourself to others.

Comparing yourself to others is a natural and normal part of human psychology. It played a significant role in the survival of our ancestors: "If everyone in my tribe acts a certain way, I should follow suit to avoid danger." This instinctive behavior has been ingrained in us and is impossible to completely eliminate. However, it's important to understand that social comparison can both contribute to our development and create difficulties. Having the right attitude towards this process can help us benefit from it and avoid negative consequences.

Social comparison can be useful in a variety of situations. It helps people evaluate their achievements and identify their strengths and weaknesses. For example, comparison with successful colleagues can stimulate improvement in professional skills and increase motivation. In personal life, social comparison can promote self-improvement when people see examples of healthy relationships or an active lifestyle. Furthermore, it can strengthen a sense of belonging when an individual realizes that they are not alone in their experiences or difficulties. Social comparison can also increase confidence if a person sees that their successes are comparable to those of others. It is important to remember that such comparison should be constructive and not evoke feelings of envy or insecurity.

Imagine the situation: a new employee comes to work and is tasked with preparing a report. After completing the work, he accidentally notices that his colleagues format their reports differently. By comparing his results with theirs, he realizes that experienced employees know more and have their own approaches to formatting. This awareness allows them to make the necessary changes and improve the quality of their work. Thanks to this comparison, new employees avoid criticism from management and optimize their time preparing reports. Comparison with colleagues can be a powerful tool for improving professional skills and work efficiency. Understanding social norms and the ability to navigate society are key factors for professional and personal growth. This allows for better interaction with others, building effective communications, and achieving goals. Awareness of social standards helps adapt to various environments, which in turn contributes to the development of the skills necessary for a successful career and a harmonious life. Comparison with others can have negative consequences, undermining self-esteem and damaging psychological well-being. In some cases, people begin to feel inferior when comparing their achievements, appearance, or lifestyle with those they believe are more successful or attractive. This can lead to feelings of envy, insecurity, and even depression. It's important to recognize that each person is unique, and their journey cannot be compared to anyone else's. To maintain psychological health, it's essential to focus on your own achievements and values, not on external standards. Comparisons can be useful for motivation, but they typically lead to negative emotions and self-destruction. Social comparison becomes a problem when used incorrectly. We notice only the positive aspects of others, while focusing on the negative in ourselves, comparing everything at once. This often happens to those who don't understand themselves and their inner world. Without a solid foundation, we turn to others for answers: "He's fun, but what am I like? Am I like him?" As a result, we mistakenly conclude that we are inferior in every way, which leads to feelings of sadness, hatred, and grief. It's important to recognize that comparisons can distort reality, and to focus instead on your own development and self-acceptance.

Many people use negativity as a motivational tool, believing that the successes of others can motivate them to improve themselves. However, how effective is this really? Using others' failures or successes as incentives can lead to both positive and negative consequences. It's important to understand that motivation based on comparison with others can lead to feelings of envy and dissatisfaction. Instead, focus on your goals and personal progress, which will provide more sustainable and healthy motivation.

It's important to understand this situation. For example, when a person sees a perfect figure on Instagram, they may experience negative emotions and, as a result, decide to go on a strict diet or buy a gym membership. However, such motivation is likely to be short-lived. Self-criticism only increases stress levels, making it more difficult to achieve your goals. It's important to recognize that health and fitness require time and patience, not sudden changes based on emotional reactions. A long-term perspective is key to effective motivation. Instead of relying on short-term impulses, we need resilience and inner strength to achieve our goals. Negative emotions, such as self-hatred, may provide a temporary boost, but they won't provide the necessary support in the long term. To move forward, it's important to cultivate positive attitudes and intrinsic motivation that will help you overcome challenges and achieve your desired results. Learning the subtle art of comparison without self-harm is an important skill that requires practice and awareness. Comparison is an integral part of our lives, but it can lead to negative consequences if not approached mindfully. To avoid harm, it's important to focus on your achievements and unique qualities. Instead of comparing yourself to others, you should use comparison as a tool for self-improvement. This will help you understand your strengths and weaknesses and identify areas for growth. A conscious approach to comparison will help you maintain inner peace and increase your self-confidence, which will ultimately lead to a more harmonious life.

It's important to carefully monitor your emotional state and use it as a guide in your self-development. When comparing yourself to others, ask yourself a key question: "How will this affect me in the future? Do I feel energized or, conversely, sad?" If you feel energized, this is a signal to maintain this positive outlook and use it for further growth. If you feel sad, remind yourself that you don't have complete information about another person's life and only see one side of them. It's also worth considering that everyone may have different conditions and circumstances that influence their achievements. Focus on your own path to move forward without losing self-confidence.

I really relate to the phrase: "Don't compare your beginning to someone else's middle." Early in my practice, I often looked up to my mentor—a talented and experienced psychologist with impeccable speech. Watching her live broadcasts, I felt sad, realizing I couldn't reach her level. However, I soon asked myself an important question: "How do I compare to her if she has ten years of experience and I only have three months?" This question helped me assess the situation realistically. I realized that comparisons were holding me back from developing, and instead, I began to seek inspiration in her successes, which gave me the opportunity to grow and develop in my practice.

Understanding social norms and the ability to navigate others are important factors for professional and personal growth. This knowledge helps establish effective communications, build trusting relationships, and adapt to various situations. It is important to consider the opinions of others to develop the skills necessary for a successful career and harmonious interaction in society. The ability to work with social norms contributes to a better quality of life and increased overall satisfaction.

It is much more effective to focus on the long term. We need not short-term motivation, but a sustainable source of inspiration. Using self-hatred to achieve goals may provide a temporary boost, but will ultimately lead to burnout and a halt in progress. It is important to develop intrinsic motivation and a positive attitude towards yourself to ensure stable growth and the achievement of your goals.

"Admiration is at the core of envy"

Social media promotes constant comparison with others. This phenomenon has become widespread in modern society, where users actively share their achievements, appearance, and lifestyle. This often leads to negative consequences, such as lowered self-esteem and the development of insecurities. Constantly being surrounded by idealized images creates pressure, forcing people to feel the need to meet certain standards. It is important to be aware of the impact of social platforms on mental health and to be able to filter information to avoid the negative effects of comparison with others. Developing a healthy attitude toward social media content can help maintain a positive view of yourself and your achievements. Research confirms that social media has a significant impact on anxiety levels. While previous generations, like our parents, were raised on the principles of collectivism, young people of the 1980s and 1990s were exposed to the concept of individual success, which emphasizes that everyone should achieve everything on their own. Social media exacerbates this feeling by providing a platform for showcasing personal achievements, which creates a showcase effect where people constantly compare themselves to others. This leads to an increase in neuroticism and heightened anxiety among users. To minimize this effect, it is necessary to pay attention to several key aspects. First, it's important to identify the root causes of the problem and address them early. Second, using high-quality materials and technologies can significantly reduce the negative impact. Regular maintenance and preventative measures are also crucial. Finally, it's worth considering implementing innovative solutions that can help prevent unwanted consequences. This will not only reduce the impact but also improve the overall effectiveness of the process. Understanding that people's lives on social media are presented only in bright and attractive images will help you reduce anxiety. Users often only showcase positive moments, omitting the difficulties and failures that are common to everyone. To improve your emotional state, it's important to cleanse your information space. Unfollow bloggers and accounts that evoke negative emotions. This information hygiene will not only reduce anxiety but also allow you to focus on more positive content that contributes to your development and well-being. Envy of bloggers and strangers on social media is a common phenomenon. Many people experience similar feelings when they see the idealized images of life that bloggers portray. However, it's important to remember that such envy may not be constructive, as in most cases, these images don't reflect reality. Bloggers often showcase only the best moments of their lives, ignoring the difficulties and challenges they face. Instead of envy, it's more helpful to focus on your own goals and achievements, as well as what makes you happy. Understanding this can help change your perception and reduce envy. Envy as an emotion is not something negative. In our society, it is generally accepted that envy is shameful. However, it is important to understand that envy can be beneficial if channeled constructively. It can serve as an incentive for personal growth and achieving new goals. Instead of suppressing this emotion, you should use it as a source of motivation to improve your life. Learn to learn from envy and transform it into positive action. Envy often stems from admiration, which is a positive feeling. For example, when we observe a successful blogger, we might feel admiration for their accomplishments. However, when we compare our own capabilities to their success, we might start thinking, "I want that too, but I'll never achieve it." Such a comparison can lead to disappointment and envy. It's important to understand that envy can become an obstacle to our own achievements. Instead of allowing these feelings to overwhelm us, we should use them as motivation to work on ourselves and our goals. There are two approaches to envy: you can continue to be angry at yourself, the blogger, and the world around you, or you can try to return to a state of admiration. Admiration contains important information about our desires and dreams. Think about what steps you can take to achieve your goal.