Human values: what they are, how to determine your life values

Contents:

• What are values?
• Why do we need values ​​in life?
• How to define your values ​​in life
• What is a value conflict and what to do if it arises?
• How to follow your values

Every person at different stages of their life faces the question: "Who am I and what do I want?" In psychology, this is called an identity crisis. It's important for us to understand who we are in this world, where, how, and with whom we want to move through life. An identity crisis makes us feel anxious, isolated, and empty; it makes it difficult for us to make important decisions, or we don't want to make them at all.
An important step in overcoming an identity crisis is defining your values. Clinical psychologist and speaker of the course "Who Am I and What Do I Want?" Ekaterina Onokoi told:

• What are life values;
• How they differ from goals and rules;
• How to define your values;
• How to look for a way out of a situation with a conflict of values;
• how to follow your values.

What are values?

Life satisfaction largely depends on to what extent we fill it with what is important to us - that is, we know our values ​​​​and act in accordance with them.

That is, values ​​are not just belief in something. This is what even everyday actions are based on.
What else, besides values, guides us when making decisions:

• Momentary impulses and urges. In the short term, we may feel cool and have fun, but in the long term, this may lead us to a completely different place than we wanted to go.
• Avoiding pain and discomfort. For example, it is important for a person to have close, trusting relationships. But the fear of being abandoned, abandoned prompts him to avoid any intimacy. Yes, he won't face the pain of loss, because no one was in a relationship with him, but instead of the acute pain of loss, there will remain a long-lasting aching pain of loneliness. And this, too, is not what makes life happy and full.

Why do we need life values?

Don't confuse values ​​with goals.
A goal is like a mountain: we can climb it and put a flag. But values ​​are a vector. You can't take a few steps north and say, "That's it, I've reached north." You can't arrive at a value, you can only move in that direction.
But values ​​and goals are connected: we get more satisfaction from moving toward goals that are in the direction of our values. Conversely, when goals are intrinsic and unrelated to values, you can turn your life into an endless race to achieve, but never feel pleasure or satisfaction.
It's also important to distinguish between life spheres and values. People often say that their value is health, family, or work. In reality, these are all areas of life. In each of them, we can have our own values—ideas about what kind of person, partner, parent, friend, or professional it is important for us to be.
For example, responsibility might be a value. And its influence can be traced in different areas:

• at work - when you fulfill your duties on time and conscientiously;
• in relationships with a partner - when you keep your promises;
• in relation to yourself - when you go to the doctor on time, exercise regularly and eat healthy food.

Values ​​should be distinguished from strict rules. There's only one way to follow a rule; they're very inflexible: spell "zhi" and "shi" with an "i." But there are many options and paths to realizing your values.
There are rules that are completely impossible to follow. For example: "I must be a person who sees things through to the end and never procrastinates."
No one in the world lives according to their values ​​at every moment. We all stray. And the ability to notice when you've lost your way and get back on track—that's what following your values ​​is all about.

How to define your life values

There are several ways. You can start with a couple of fairly simple exercises:

• Turn to significant memories, and not only happy ones. Memories of pain and loss can also tell us a lot about our values. When we grieve a relationship that ended, it tells us that the relationship was significant. Likewise, when we are sad about the end of a period of life or a project. Memories are beacons that help us understand what is important to us.
• Write yourself an epitaph. At first glance, it seems creepy, but it is an effective method. What kind of person do you want to be remembered as, what actions do you take? What do you want to leave behind? This also allows you to get in touch with your values.

You can also determine your values ​​by recognizing the areas of your life that are important to you. Psychologist Kelly Wilson's questionnaire will help with this. It looks like this:
1. Rate on a scale from 0 to 10 how important each area is to you. This is not a ranking - several areas of life can receive the same score.
2. Why is this necessary? In addition to bringing you closer to understanding your life priorities, it will also help you find discrepancies between them and your behavior and eliminate them.
3. For example, friendship is important to you - you gave it a 9. But you realize that over the past month you haven't been in touch with your friends, you haven't had a chance to meet them, you haven't found time to reply to their messages. The importance of this area is high, but your behavior doesn't match the kind of friend you want to be.
Such discrepancies will occur. They can be upsetting, but it's important to identify them because this will give you an opportunity to adjust your behavior.
You can go further and try to write down values ​​for each area of ​​life (or for the most significant ones). You can find them by answering the questions:

• What kind of person is important for you to be in each area;
• What personal qualities are important for you to demonstrate.

Try making up additional questions. For example, for the Work and Career area, questions might be:

• What kind of specialist or manager would you like to be;
• What kind of relationships would you like to build with your colleagues;
• What could give your work more meaning (regardless of how much you like it now).

Even if you don't like your job now, knowing your values ​​can help you bring something meaningful to it. This does not cancel out ambitions and aspirations, moving towards the goal, but it fills the present moment with meaning.

What is a value conflict and what to do if it arises?

A value conflict is when your values ​​seem to be mutually exclusive.
For example, you want to be a responsible employee, so you often stay late at the office. It is also important for you to spend more time with friends, but there is not enough time for this because of a backlog of work. Two values ​​​​have come into conflict.
The algorithm of actions in this situation may be as follows:

• Identify which values ​​and in which areas conflict. In the example we looked at above, you, as a responsible employee (value A), are preventing yourself from realizing yourself as a good friend (value B).
• Try to find points of intersection and compromise. For example, you might find that leaving work on time at least once a week won't hurt your business, and you'll still get to spend four evenings a month with friends—more than zero.
• Sometimes there's no easy solution. And every choice has costs. Accept the complexity of the situation and the inevitability of choice. After all, even when you choose not to act, it's still a choice with consequences.
• Once you make a choice, stick to it and remember the values ​​on which it's based. Be kind to yourself.

How to Follow Your Values

In each specific situation, we choose where to go - towards values ​​or in the direction opposite from them.

Having made a choice, remember what it was based on - this will help you continue on the path even in moments of doubt. The more specific actions you take in accordance with your values, the faster you will achieve your desired results.