Loneliness: What is it and how to cope with it?

Contents:

• What is loneliness
• Causes of loneliness
• How do I know if I'm lonely
• Is it bad that I can't be alone?
• How to cope with loneliness on my own
• What to do with existential loneliness?
• What to do if you can't cope with loneliness on your own

Everyone has felt lonely, and most likely more than once. For some, loneliness is a devastating condition that leads to suffering. For others, it’s a time of solitude and an opportunity to relax.
We talked with a psychologist about:

• what loneliness is and how it manifests itself;
• what can cause loneliness;
• how to understand that I’m lonely;
• how to cope with loneliness on your own;
• and what to do if self-help didn't work.

What is loneliness?

Loneliness is a subjective feeling. Throughout life, people encounter different manifestations of loneliness, and everyone experiences them in their own way. We can conditionally distinguish three approaches to defining loneliness - they depend on a person's worldview.

• Philosophical:Loneliness is an existential given. It simply is, and this state cannot be changed. For people with an existential outlook on life, it manifests itself in an understanding of separation from others, the impossibility of fully merging with another person.
• Social: loneliness is a longing for another person. Unlike the existential approach, in the social approach, the problem of loneliness can be solved through close relationships. The desire not to be lonely is natural, because a person as a social being needs to belong to a group.
• Psychological: Loneliness is an opportunity to be alone with yourself and replenish your energy resources.

Causes of loneliness

There are three fundamental sources of loneliness:

• The literal absence of people around, physical or psychological isolation.
• Reluctance and (or) inability to make new acquaintances.
• Difficulty building intimacy, including with oneself, that is, not knowing and not understanding oneself.

How to understand that I'm lonely

Usually people They admit this quite openly to themselves. When they are alone, they feel anxious, forgotten, abandoned, and devastated.
But sometimes a person seems to avoid the thought of being lonely. At best, he doesn't want to return "to a cold, empty apartment," at worst, he begins to ignore these feelings, convincing himself that they don't exist ("I'm fine alone!"), or drowning them out, for example, with alcohol or spending time in dubious company.

To understand whether you are lonely and how critical this feeling is for you, you need to analyze your behavior and thoughts and listen to the feelings that arise because of them.
Here's what you can try to track:

• Have you started staying late at work only because there is nothing to do at home anyway?
• Do you have thoughts that your friends haven't written or called you for a long time? Does this offend you?
• Do you sometimes want to post something on social media to attract other people's attention?
• Does the thought of being alone in old age scare you?
• Imagine that you have a day off, but all your friends are busy and cannot spend time with you. Will you be upset?
• When you come across philosophical statements like "Man is born and dies alone," what do you feel? Do you agree with such statements deep down?
• Do you envy those who have a large family or many friends?

It is important to understand that there is nothing shameful in feeling lonely. It does not speak of you as an inferior or insufficient person. Everyone experiences loneliness, and it's worth acknowledging it and working on it, not suppressing it.
Ignoring loneliness, as well as the long-term stress it causes, can lead to anxiety disorders, depression, isolation, and other mental problems.

Is it bad that I can't be alone?

Yes. If you absolutely can't be alone, don't know what to do with yourself, and are ready to go anywhere with anyone just to avoid being alone, this is a real alarm bell.
Loneliness can be sad, but it certainly shouldn't cause severe anxiety and fear.

If you go with a stranger to a movie that you don't like, sacrifice your values ​​or try to "push back" your personal boundaries, just to avoid being left alone, then it's time to work on the feeling of loneliness.

How to cope with loneliness on your own

It is useful to develop a healthy attitude towards loneliness and learn to accept this state. Reflection, the "Five Actions" exercise, exploring your interests, and talking with friends will help you find contact with yourself.
The technique is simple - ask yourself questions. The answers will push you to solve the problem.

• What is loneliness for me? How do I experience it? Is this time I can devote to myself, or is this a reason to think that something is wrong with me?
• What am I feeling right now? Sadness? Anxiety? Peace? Apathy? Fear? Or am I offended? Do I feel misunderstood or rejected?
• What am I missing in my life? Friendships? Romantic relationships? Family support? Do I want a casual affair or a serious relationship? Or maybe I'm lacking interesting pastimes?
• How can I help myself? Text a friend? Sign up for a dating app? Go to a party? Devote time to my favorite hobby?

Reflection is aimed at finding out what your attitude towards loneliness is, what you mean by it, and what you would like your future to be. Once your request is clearly formulated, it will be much easier to work on it.

Follow your plan from simple to complex. Don't try to start a conversation with someone on your first independent trip to the park. First, try to catch the feeling that you are really enjoying this walk. When it becomes routine, make it more challenging: pet a dog you like in the park and tell its owner what a cool pet he has.

It is useful to create artificial conditions where you simulate the situation yourself. If you feel like things are getting difficult, you can ease the pressure: call your parents or friends, log on to social media, or play a game on your phone. These activities will reduce anxiety and help you feel less lonely.
Learn to be interesting to yourself. Try different hobbies, explore new topics, and do something you haven't done before. This will help you understand yourself better and get rid of boredom.
Be interested in other people. It's important to maintain relationships with old acquaintances and create new close ones. Try to be more sincere in your communication: intimacy is always a risk, but it's worth it.

What to do with existential loneliness?

If existential loneliness prevails, you can listen to the advice of philosophers. Just be careful when choosing literature. Reading Sartre or Camus is not worth it - it can only worsen the condition. But in the works of Erich Fromm or Irvin Yalom, you can find support and encouragement. For example, Fromm believed that even existential loneliness can be overcome by mature, sublime love, based on true knowledge of the other. In his book, The Art of Loving, he provides specific ways to build intimacy, which is important in any relationship.

What to do if you can't cope with loneliness on your own

Then it's worth seeking help from a specialist. Such work can be of several types:

• Psychological support group.At meetings, people speak out, discuss personal problems, share experiences, and make new acquaintances. Meetings help them not to feel lonely.
• Group psychotherapy. A form of therapy in which the discussion is facilitated by a psychologist or psychotherapist. The specialist maintains an atmosphere of caring communication. With such work, the causes of communication difficulties and ways to resolve them become clear.
• Individual work with a specialist. If anxious thoughts have appeared recently, working with a psychologist working in the direction of existential or gestalt therapy is suitable. If loneliness leads to depression and a deterioration in the quality of life, it is better to seek help from a psychotherapist.