Social Motherhood: What It Is and Why You Shouldn't Aim for It / ITech content

The children don't cry and always look well-groomed. The refrigerator is stocked with healthy groceries for the whole week, and at work, she has achieved high results, exceeding the successes of famous coaches. With a constant smile on her face, such a mother embodies the image of a modern successful woman who is happy in her role as a mother. This idealized portrait emphasizes the importance of harmony in life, where caring for children and professional achievements can coexist.

In this article, we will discuss why you should not strive for idealized images and illusions. We will explain the consequences of this desire and how it affects your perception of reality. You will learn why it is important to accept yourself and the world around you as it is, and how this can positively impact your psycho-emotional state. We will also consider alternative approaches to perceiving life that will help you find inner balance and satisfaction.

What is social motherhood and what is its problem;
Why is it normal to be angry and suffer, but dangerous to pretend to be happy;
Does the “take me in your arms and I’ll immediately understand everything” scenario work;
Is it possible to become a good mother.

What is social motherhood?

Social motherhood can be interpreted as the concept of the “image of the ideal mother.” This concept covers a generalized set of characteristics and criteria that are used in different cultures to evaluate the correctness and competence of mothers. Social motherhood reflects cultural norms and expectations, shaping ideas about what a “good mother” should be. These criteria may vary depending on historical context, social environment, and individual ideas about parenting.

Like many generalizations, this list ignores important details and context.

How the Public Image of a Good Mother Harms Real Mothers

The beautiful faces and bodies of models, bloggers, and celebrities on social media are shaped by successful angles, the skill of stylists and photographers, and the frequent use of Photoshop. Such images can negatively impact self-esteem by creating unattainable standards of beauty. Meeting the parameters presented in professional photographs and TV series in real life is virtually impossible and often unreasonably difficult. This also applies to motherhood, where idealized images can be misleading, creating pressure on women and forming false expectations about parenthood.

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Cognitive Biases: The Causes of Our Bias

Cognitive biases are systematic errors in the thinking process that affect our perception of reality and decision-making. These biases can lead to biased judgments and incorrect conclusions. Understanding cognitive biases can help us better understand how they influence our behavior and perceptions of the world around us.

Among the main cognitive biases is confirmation bias, in which we tend to seek out information that confirms our existing beliefs while ignoring or rejecting contrary evidence. Another common bias is the anchoring effect, in which the first value or information we hear becomes an "anchor" for subsequent evaluations.

Also worth mentioning is the illusion of control, when we overestimate our ability to influence events that are actually beyond our control. These biases can significantly distort our judgments and lead to ineffective decisions in both our personal and professional lives.

Learning about cognitive biases allows us to become more aware of our thoughts and emotions, as well as develop critical thinking. This knowledge helps us avoid the traps of bias and make more informed decisions.

A popular mommy blogger shares a photo of herself smilingly holding her laughing twins, vacuuming with her foot, and negotiating a major deal on the phone. Meanwhile, a completely different atmosphere reigns at home:

chaos and anarchy of scattered toys;
your firstborn is crying face down;
you don't have a job because you don't have the energy or time to look for one, or you do have a job, but instead of shining eyes and a smile, you only have huge bags from chronic lack of sleep.

This discrepancy can negatively affect a person's inner state and mood.

A mommy blogger is the image of an ideal woman who looks happy and confident. She adores her children and always speaks of them only with love and pride. At the same time, she skillfully balances her duties as a housewife with her work, remaining a caring and well-groomed wife. However, in real life, many women face difficulties in combining motherhood, a career, and caring for a family. This requires not only time but also effort to maintain harmony in relationships and take care of oneself.

Public opinion sets strict standards for mothers, and ending up on the "bad mom" list can sometimes be easier than it seems. Express dissatisfaction with your upbringing or long for the freedom of life before having a child, and judgmental glances will quickly follow.

Mom icons on social media may receive support from a nanny, a housekeeper, a personal trainer, or a partner who supports their entrepreneurial endeavors. It's important to celebrate the successes of others and acknowledge the accomplishments of bloggers, but don't forget your own feelings. Remember that the perfect image of life may conceal many nuances you're unaware of. Each person is unique, and life circumstances affect their perception and well-being, so you should focus on your own goals and achievements, rather than comparing yourself to the successes of others.

Does a good mother always love her child?

Yes and no is an expression that is often used to indicate uncertainty or ambiguity in answers to questions. It reflects the difficulty of making decisions and can indicate the presence of different points of view on the same topic. It is important to understand that such answers can arise in situations where there is no clear solution or when different aspects of an issue need to be taken into account. Using the phrase "yes and no" can facilitate a deeper discussion and analysis of the problem, allowing you to consider all its sides.

Children are not just the flowers of life, and a mother does not always act as a greenhouse. Even the most caring mothers do not always resemble carefree characters from Disney cartoons. However, in some ways, they may resemble Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty before they met their princes. It's important to understand that motherhood is a complex and multifaceted process that requires strength and patience. Every mother goes through her own trials and tribulations, which makes her journey unique and valuable. Children are people too, and sometimes they exhibit less-than-pleasant qualities. They sometimes experience physical ailments, have bad moods, and are not always able to recognize and control their emotions, which can be difficult even for adults. Loving them at such moments can be challenging, and no one is obligated to smile after a kick in the face. Pregnancy and childbirth are complex and sometimes painful processes. For many women, attachment to their child does not form immediately, but rather weeks or even months after birth. This can occur if expectations regarding birth and the first feedings were unrealistic, or if the woman was pressured by medical staff or loved ones who imposed ideals of the ideal mother. It's important to understand that every woman is unique, and her experience of pregnancy and childbirth is also individual. There are many factors that influence the love and attachment between a mother and her child. A 2021 study found that the level of maternal attachment can be influenced by whether the pregnancy was planned, as well as the newborn's temperament. In another study on infant colic, 23 mothers participated in a survey, and 22 of them admitted to experiencing aggressive thoughts towards their child. These findings highlight the complexity of maternal feelings and the importance of support for women in the postpartum period. Understanding these factors can help develop effective strategies to support mothers and improve their emotional well-being. Feelings of helplessness, anger, and a lack of love for the child and their new life are normal. Negative emotions do not indicate that the mother is bad or that her child is unlucky compared to others. Every parent faces challenges, and it's important to understand that these feelings are part of the process of adapting to new circumstances. Accepting your emotions can help build a stronger bond with your child and improve your overall psychological well-being.

The Dangers of Social Motherhood

In search of perfect photos from blogs and the desire to meet the expectations of others, mothers can miss warning signs that indicate problems with their psychological well-being. It is important to remember that taking care of yourself and your emotional health is no less important than caring for your children. By paying attention to your own feelings and state, you can avoid serious consequences and maintain harmony in the family.

Most women who become mothers experience postpartum blues. According to statistics, 50% to 75% of mothers face difficult and sad thoughts after the birth of a child. These feelings may be a normal reaction to life's changes, but it's important to pay attention to your emotional state. Support from loved ones and professionals can help you cope with this period and build a harmonious relationship with your newborn. Most often, postpartum blues resolve on their own and cause no serious harm. However, postpartum depression, which affects one in ten mothers, and post-traumatic stress disorder are serious conditions. Fortunately, they can be effectively treated. It's important not to try to hide your feelings behind a forced smile, but to seek professional help. Professional support can help you cope with these conditions and restore your emotional health.

Emotional burnout: definition, stages and methods of recognition

Emotional burnout is a state of physical, emotional and psychological exhaustion that occurs as a result of prolonged stress and overexertion. This phenomenon is most common among people working in highly stressful professions, as well as those experiencing constant emotional stress.

There are several stages of emotional burnout. The first stage is characterized by increased fatigue and irritability. In the second stage, a person begins to experience a decrease in efficiency and productivity, leading to a feeling of helplessness. The third stage manifests itself in physical and emotional exhaustion, as well as social isolation. In the final stage of burnout, a person may face serious psychological problems, such as depression or anxiety disorders.

Recognizing emotional burnout is important for promptly seeking help. Key signs include chronic fatigue, lack of motivation, a feeling of hopelessness, and a negative attitude toward work and others. If you notice these symptoms, it's time to consider measures to restore emotional balance and health.

Toxic statements such as, "Why are you tired? You were just staying home with the baby!" devalue the physical and emotional suffering of mothers. They can evoke feelings of guilt, which only exacerbates depressive states. This phenomenon poses a serious threat to mental health. It is important to understand that caring for a child requires a great deal of effort, both physical and psychological, and every mother deserves support and understanding.

There is a hypothesis about a link between postpartum depression and the occurrence of severe wheezing in newborns. It has also been established that low birth weight in infants can be a result of maternal depression and anxiety during pregnancy. These factors highlight the importance of a woman's mental health during pregnancy and after childbirth, as they can significantly impact the physical well-being of the newborn. Research in this area helps to better understand how a mother's emotional state can affect her child's health, which opens up new prospects for the prevention and treatment of related conditions.

Self-care for a mother is not an expression of selfishness, but a necessary condition for ensuring a healthy future for the child. This applies not only to long-term results, but also to daily interactions. The mother's level of self-esteem and her social support play a significant role in how she perceives the needs of the infant. By maintaining her psycho-emotional state, the mother becomes more sensitive and attentive to the signals of her child, which contributes to their harmonious development and strengthens the bond between them.

Doesn't a good mother instinctively know what her child needs?

Absent again?

Research shows that in humans, unlike animals, the maternal instinct is not innate. Although humans are animals, their instincts include not only biological mechanisms but also social aspects. In the context of social organization, humans have no analogs with which to compare their instincts. This emphasizes the uniqueness of human behavior and interaction in society.

Caring for a newborn human differs significantly from caring for animals. Nature did not provide humans with such things as diapers, modern medicine, creams, baths, strollers, and access to the internet with numerous recommendations for swaddling and feeding. Furthermore, animals do not have the support of numerous "experts" such as grandmothers, aunts, and godparents who offer both useful and questionable advice. Caring for a newborn requires a careful approach and an understanding of the baby's individual needs, which makes the process unique and sometimes complex.

The maternal instinct in humans is formed under the influence of many factors. During the process of bearing and raising children, we rely on scientific research, medical recommendations, the experience of previous generations, and personal interactions with the baby. These aspects help create a strong bond between mother and child, facilitating both emotional and physical attachment. Understanding maternal instinct is important for creating a healthy environment for the child's growth and development. Chimpanzees raised in captivity and without contact with other chimpanzees often show little interest in newborns. In some cases, aggression is even observed. This confirms that the "hold and understand" approach doesn't always work, and that's okay. If a baby cries and the mother can't soothe it, it doesn't mean she's bad. She's simply not yet fully aware of the needs of her demanding infant. It's important to remember that learning to connect and understand emotionally takes time and patience.

Photo: Natalia Lebedinskaia / Shutterstock

Some mothers actually develop empathy to the point where they are able to perceive the needs and emotions of their children. This level of empathy is a skill that can be developed, not just a natural gift. Emotional understanding and the ability to "read" a child's feelings allow for a deeper connection and support healthy personal development. Developing such skills takes time and practice, but they significantly impact the relationship between mother and child.

Some innate algorithms do exist and have been shown to be effective. For example, a mother's brain reacts to her baby's cries in a unique way. The smell of mother's milk helps babies calm down and cope with discomfort. However, it is worth noting that the scent of another mother breastfeeding also has a calming effect on babies, so the statement "I am everything to my child" should not be taken as the only truth. It is important to remember that there are other factors that can support a child's emotional state.

Mom plays an important role in a child's life, but some tasks, such as play and hygiene, can be delegated to other close people, including dad, grandma, a friend, or a nanny. This allows for variety in care and interaction with the child, which also contributes to his development.

Constructivism in Education: Reasons for the Lack of Prevalence of This Effective Pedagogical Approach

Constructivism is a pedagogical approach based on the principles of active student participation in the learning process. Unlike traditional methods, constructivism emphasizes that knowledge is formed through experience and interaction with the environment. Despite its effectiveness, constructivism has not become widespread in educational practice.

One of the main reasons is the lack of training for teachers capable of implementing constructivist methods in the educational process. Many teachers are trained to work within traditional frameworks, which hinders the introduction of innovative approaches.

Another reason is resistance from educational institutions and parents, who often prefer traditional teaching methods. Constructivism requires a change in attitudes toward education, which can cause anxiety among those accustomed to traditional forms.

Furthermore, insufficient awareness of the benefits of constructivism among educational organizations and the public also hinders its spread. Educators must be willing to experiment and take risks, and understand how to adapt their methods to the individual needs of students.

Uncertainty in assessing learning outcomes also plays a negative role. The constructivist approach emphasizes process over outcome, which can be problematic in an education system focused on standardized tests.

Thus, despite the obvious advantages of constructivism in education, its widespread adoption is hampered by a number of factors, including insufficient teacher training, resistance to traditional methods, and uncertainty in assessing outcomes. The development of constructivist approaches requires a comprehensive approach and changes at all levels of the educational system.

How to be a good mother?

Motherhood should not be judged by terms such as "good" and "bad." It is not a school subject or an exam to apply such categories. Grades create an atmosphere of competition, but in reality, there is no mothering competition. The experience of motherhood is unique to each woman and should not be built on someone else's standards, ideals, or beliefs. It's important to embrace your own path and focus on your own feelings and needs, rather than external expectations. Psychologists emphasize the importance of healthy motherhood, focusing on the emotional and psychological well-being of mothers. Healthy motherhood involves not only caring for the child's physical well-being but also for one's own mental health. Support from loved ones, the ability to find time for oneself, and maintaining a balance between maternal responsibilities and personal interests play a key role. Psychologists recommend that mothers actively develop social connections, communicate with other parents, and seek professional help during difficult times. This helps create a harmonious atmosphere in the family, which, in turn, has a positive effect on the child's development. Healthy motherhood is the path to harmony and happiness for the whole family. Being a mother is difficult, and it's normal to sometimes experience dislike and negative feelings towards your child. Neglecting such emotions, suppressing them, and blaming yourself for "bad" thoughts is a recipe for anxiety and depression.

If your motherhood experience and parenting strategy don't align with the expectations of others or your own previously planned plan, it's neither your fault nor your problem. Whether or not to share a bed, breastfeed or formula feed, or whether or not to take maternity leave—many decisions can't be made in advance or assessed from the outside. Every child is an individual, and you need to learn to listen to their interests and needs and find compromises.

Allowing yourself to be vulnerable and tired, forgiving yourself for anger and fear, and sometimes choosing yourself over your child is a healthy strategy. Because a happy mother has much more strength and opportunity to raise a happy person. And if parents ignore their emotions, don't listen to them, don't acknowledge them, and don't know how to express them in a healthy way, how will their children learn to do all of this?

Even to the best mothers in the world, bad things happen. If a mother blinks or is distracted by a text message, and at that very second the child falls and breaks a finger, it's not the mother's negligence, but an accident.

Children often need less than their parents think. 24-hour attention, an expensive school, and toys like those of their mother's friend's son are usually not so necessary. It's much more important to feel your parents' love and support, especially in moments of hurt and self-doubt, as well as to have the opportunity to talk about your interests, express your emotions, and not be ashamed of them.

Sometimes what a mother considers her mistake and fault is actually a platform for the child to grow. Life is not perfect, and ideal parenting, firstly, is hardly achievable, and secondly, it deceives children who will have to live in real conditions.